So it is your fault, Mr. HVAC Contractor. You with your comfortable air conditioning and toasty central heating. You are the reason the spare tire around my midsection would rival anything you could find at Goodyear.

I always had a suspicion it was your fault. For a while I thought it might be because I like to supersize at McDonald’s or was perhaps due to my propensity to double dip my chicken wings in ranch dressing. But no, the fact that I carry around an extra few pounds is obviously the fault of my HVAC contractor, and I have the data to prove it.

A survey conducted recently by the National Center for Healthy Housing (which can be seen at showed that an increase in air conditioning directly correlates to an increase in obesity. Evidently if you are in a comfortable, climate-controlled environment, you are less likely to get out of the house and be active. Let’s call this the “Rosie O’Donnell Theory.”

It makes total sense now. When I was in college and lived in an apartment with no air conditioning, I was a perfectly fit 21-year-old student. Now that I have pushed past 30 and am living in an air conditioned home, suddenly I am above my target weight.

You son of a bitch! Always thinking of yourself and your profit margin instead of the health of yours truly. You must have known I would not be able to handle a/c. Time for a class-action lawsuit.

How dare you! What do you have to say for yourself?