Report In Haste, Repent At Leisure The News’ long-running “The Inside Dope” column brought smiles to readers’ faces at times, and at other times made them pause and ponder. The column’s motto was “Learn to live and laugh — thus delay your epitaph.” From the Dec. 16, 1946 “Inside Dope” column:

The main interest in life of an editor of a small-town weekly newspaper was to be the first to publish news of regional events. “Scoops” were his mania.

On one particular occasion, the editor succeeded in “scooping” all the other periodicals in that locale by printing an exclusive story on the destruction by fire of the post office in a neighboring village.

When the following issue of the paper came off the press a week later, citizens were amused to read the following announcement:

“All of you have witnessed the fact that our paper, The Mudville Monitor, was the first to bring our readers the exclusive story of the damage brought by the Oaktown fire. We now take equal pleasure in being the first to report that the story in our last edition was entirely without foundation.”


A Christmas Wish

  • “What I want for Christmas,” a contractor’s son announced early in December, “is a baby sister.” “That would be nice,” smiled his father, “but I’m afraid we don’t have time. You should have told me sooner.”

    “But, Daddy, you could put more men on the job and rush it through.”

  • Only to a child is pure happiness possible; afterwards it is tainted with knowledge that it will not last, and the fear that one will have to pay for it.
    — A.A. Milne (author of the “Winnie the Pooh” stories)


    Sorting things out

  • A bank manager sent out two floral bouquets. One was sent to a new store on the occasion of its grand opening. The other went to a large depositor who was recovering from the removal of his appendix. But the accompanying cards were mixed up.

    The store received: “Hope you have a speedy recovery.”

    And the hospital patient read: “Congratulations on your grand opening.”

  • You can’t beat the English for pride. In Switzerland, while driving his Rolls Royce over a stretch of bad road in the Alps, a Londoner began to bump especially hard. A front spring had broken.

    He telegraphed the Rolls headquarters in London for a replacement. In a matter of hours, it arrived in a special plane, along with two men to install it.

    Upon his return to England, he was puzzled to find no bill from the Rolls people. When he paid a personal visit to headquarters and asked to make the payment, he was met with a frosty:

    “Sir, you are mistaken. There’s no such thing as a broken spring on a Rolls Royce.”

    Publication date: 12/17/2001