This joke e-mail made its way into my inbox recently. While I don’t suggest contractors use this as a template, it does provide a laugh.

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
SUBJECT: SICK LEAVE POLICY

SICKNESS: No excuse ... We will no longer accept your doctor’s statement as proof. We believe that if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

AN OPERATION: We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may need an operation. We believe that as long as you are an employee here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for.

DEATH: Other than your own:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for them, and we are sure that someone else can attend to the arrangements. However, if the funeral can be held in the late afternoon, we will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently let you leave 1 hour early, provided your share of the work is ahead enough to keep the job going in your absence.

Your own: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks’ notice as we feel it is your duty to train your replacement.

ALSO: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with “A” will go from 8:00-8:15, and so on. If you’re unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again.