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Taking Care of Business: The Employment Contract That Makes Employers Salivate

November 16, 2007
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I’m sure there are many employers reading this blog (wishful thinking) that would like to put a tighter grip on their employees, denying them some of the freedoms that employees seem to expect today. In light of that comment, I present this humorous look at a different kind of employment contract.

I wish I could take credit for this one-year employment “contract” between an employer and employee but it was sent to me from Barry Bowen of The Refrigeration Co. Inc. of Lowman, N.Y.

EMPLOYEE: Will arrive to work at 7:45 a.m. Monday through Friday, will be confined to his desk/office until 12:00 p.m. to commence his lunch break until 1:00 p.m. The EMPLOYEE will be confined to his desk/office until 4:45 p.m. Monday through Friday, and will be paid for 40 hours of actual work, time will be deducted for the following: bathroom breaks, non-business activities such as talking to non-employees, smoking breaks, personal phone calls, and other reasons as seen fit by the EMPLOYER.

EMPLOYEE: Will loose all accumulated and future sick, holiday, and vacation time and wages at any time at the discretion of the EMPLOYER.

EMPLOYER: Will pay for working at the job as set forth in the TERMS stated above but will not be held liable to take care of needy or mentally unstable family members, or to cover every living expense that the EMPLOYEE may incur due to their inability to control their buying habits.

WAGES: EMPLOYER agrees to pay EMPLOYEE $22 per hour for actual work not for non-business related activities, as stated in the TERMS of this contract.

INSURANCE: EMPLOYER agrees to pay in full the EMPLOYEE’s health, dental, and vision insurance for the EMPLOYEE only. We have no dependants with the last name of “XXXXX.” The EMPLOYEE had agreed with his mentally deficient spouse to have children, so the EMPLOYEE and his mentally deficient spouse should take care of them.

VACATION: None. EMPLOYEE must work as stated in the TERMS set forth above and get paid as set forth in the WAGES as stated above.

SICK TIME: None. (see VACATION)

CELL PHONE: None needed. the EMPLOYEE will be at their confinement area/desk during normal business hours and a phone for work related business will be provided at no charge to the EMPLOYEE. Non-business phone calls will be recorded and used to document unpaid time as set forth in the TERMS of this agreement.

FUEL SURCHARGE: None. The EMPLOYEE will be responsible for getting to and from work on his own, like a normal well adjusted adult should be capable of doing on his own. No gas will be purchased by the EMPLOYER for the EMPLOYEE under any circumstances.

RETIREMENT: See VACATION.

WORKING HOURS: The employee agrees to work, without whining or complaining, from 7:45 a.m. Monday through Friday until 4:45 p.m. Time devoted to non-business related activities will be documented and time will be added/deducted until an actual documented eight hours of work has been achieved. At that time the EMPLOYEE may choose (no matter how unwisely) to return to his mentally deficient spouse, and medically challenged household, until the following business day.

HOLIDAYS: The EMPLOYER agrees to two (2) paid holidays each year: Christmas Day, Thanksgiving Day.

JOB DESCRIPTION: The EMPLOYEE will be acting as EMPLOYEE for the employer. Take a moment to return to work as your eyes readjust to the lower case world.
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